The Fourth Space

Tim / Tamara’s – My Story

I thought I would write a little more about my history and background of which I am sure there will be elements which will resonate with many people out there. My life has had massive extremes and I hope this brief overview proves interesting to many of our readers.

I am an only child born in Herefordshire in 1966. My first memory of having  “girlie” thoughts was when I was about 6 or 7 and I watched the girls doing ballet and wanting to join them. I started to dress properly when I was about 11 or 12 and raided my Mum’s wardrobe with regularity.

I bought my first skirt at 13 and kept everything very secretive thinking I was the only person on the planet doing something a little different. Five years at an English Boarding School only allowed me to dress in the holiday periods and as my parents worked long hours it gave me the opportunity to dress when I wanted. I remember thinking at first “thank God it’s only lingerie I like” but it quickly progressed to clothes, make up and heels!!! I wrote my Mum a note at the age of 15 telling her I was pretty confused and I will never forget being ushered into the Kitchen and being told in no uncertain manner that I was not to do it and told, “it will kill your father.” What a crushing statement – The legacy of which haunts me to this very day! She also told me in no uncertain terms that she was not at all happy that I had converted one of her stunning red evening dresses into a ridiculously short mini dress not too mention “requesting” that she have her favorite heels back immediately!! My negotiation skills were pretty weak at 15 so there I was, alone with my thoughts and without the benefit of Internet access desperately trying to make some sort of sense of it all. I kept my cross dressing highly secretive and indulged myself in proving myself as a man. From that point on I immersed myself in extreme sports and a career in the military partaking in my first Parachute Jump three days after my 16^th Birthday and captaining our School X Country and Athletics teams alongside running my first sub 3 hour marathon at the age of 17. All immensely manly “stuff” I think you’ll agree!  However the drive to be for want of a better word, girlie once in a while just kept on returning. My first ever trip to somewhere as my female alter ego was to Birmingham in 1985! It was actually great as for the first time I chatted to someone who was ok with this aspect of who I was.  I bought my first wig, which a few days later was ceremoniously burnt at the bottom of our garden such was the guilt that ensued. I would hate to calculate the net worth of all the items of clothing that were subsequently dumped over these formative years – I know this will echo similar sentiments for many. My retrospective advice would be that whatever happens think and then re-think again before taking such drastic action – You will only end up replacing it and in these recessionary times we all need to be somewhat prudent!!!!

My University days were fantastic although my secret remained with the occasional trip being organized here and there. At the same time I embarked on some pretty serious training with the Reserve Forces, which was about as far removed from what I do today as you can possibly imagine. A 60-pound Bergen (rucksack) and rifle would not have been a good look with heels at the top of an icy mountain in South Wales and would have meant the trek up Pen-y-Fan would have been nigh on impossible especially at the speed I was expected to do it in!!

I moved to London in the early 90’s and by 1997 reached my first Director position within a Health and Fitness Company. During this time I met a wonderful girl in 1995 just before my father sadly passed away who was to be the first girlfriend I opened up to about my cross dressing. Although we never made it as a couple this did not stop us becoming the best of friends – My opening up to her provided me with a platform and confidence that I was seeking and thus paved the way for me to incorporate this part of who I am into my life. I went on to pursue successful senior careers in Commercial Property, Global Video Conferencing and Risk Management between 1997 and 2009. Although I later realized that I struggled a little with corporate politics and found donning suits and having meetings for meetings sake always painful and was most definitely not me.

Right, back to the dressing bit – In 2003 I was single and decided that my alter ego was not going anywhere. Tamara needed to get out and FAST! Thank heavens for the internet as it led me to The Wayout club. Venturing out for the first time truly opened my eyes and changed my inner perspective of who I was and promoted my levels of confidence. I returned to the Club by myself for the next 5 weeks on the trot. Driving back out of London all dolled up in a mini skirt and heels at dawn was a rush in itself. Sometime later on I invited my best Male Friend out with me in 2006 which was the start of me telling my closest friends……………all of which were very cool about it and couldn’t wait to meet Tamara. Over time as my levels of confidence grew I achieved a more equal balance between Tim and Tamara which allowed me to feel accepted enough to be able to share this side of who I was to others.

I met JoJo a few years ago and instantly fell for her. She is a wonderfully kind and genuine soul. Of course the fact she was a pro make up artist and ex model also helped!!! I certainly did not rush in to telling her about “Tamara” and faced the difficult dilemma of “when on earth does one tell their partner?” (something that I still do not know the answer too for that matter) and so after about 8 months into our relationship, when she found a bra of mine(!) my cover was blown and fate intervened. Her first and obvious thought was that I was having an affair and so I had to come clean and after a few weeks of some heavy conversations (another story entirely) we ventured out as JoJo and Tamara. She made me look better than I had ever looked and persuaded me to ditch my usual denim skirt and boots look in favour of something a little more “stylish’, her words not mine! JoJo was amazing and embraced the whole scene with understanding – I am a very, very lucky guy – In fact “If Carlsberg did Tranny girlfriends”……! I think my social scene as Tamara is a lot down to her as are the close friendships that we have forged as a couple. I am one of the lucky ones I know to have a wonderful partner who not only loves me but also accepts me as Tim and Tamara. JoJo’s background in modeling and professional make up alongside my knowledge of the TV world was a perfect launch pad for setting up a professional business catering for cross dressers. This led to the creation of The Fourth Space, which brings us to where we are today. Our full time business and creation is the result of the aforementioned I guess.  Our relationship and what we have been through is what can only be described as a learning curve and continuing journey and I think that helps us immensely with all that we do today with our business  - The Fourth Space. After all, JoJo empathizes and listens to our Clients chatting to them in depth during their makeovers and listening in a way that can only be “heard” by someone who has a TV partner. I have a similar story to most of them so when we use words like empathy and validation we really are authentic and can substantiate these words in a genuine and sincere context.

If anyone out there does decide to tell friends or family my main advice would be to tell them slowly. My reaction has always been to want to tell people everything in one go and sometimes it is easy to forget that it is an awful  lot of information to take in for many people. Be discerning whom you tell and make sure that they are people you can trust and who know you well. In this life there will always be people who will be happy to shoot you down due to their own insecurities!

I know it is difficult for anyone who has a girlfriend or wife who does not know and sadly people do react in different ways. That makes a lot of people bottle up their emotions and it actually leads to feeling discontented on a regular basis. All I would say is if you really want to do something – do it. That doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops about it. Cross dressing is still misunderstood and in my opinion is still one of the last taboos. It is often misrepresented and ill perceived due to ignorance and misplaced judgment. Cross dressing is often ridiculed in the media leading to an unattractive and unflattering perception a la “Les Dawson” type images being branded – Not a pretty sight!!

Every person who stands up and says this is me, every person who ventures out, every person I tell or someone else tells is changing slowly the perception of the cross dressing community.

Finding the balance is so difficult. I am sure many people reading this will know that the needing to dress and the guilt trip associated with it is a real rollercoaster. Not being able to do it when you want is really tough for a lot of people.  What I try and encourage Clients to do is to remember that the feminine side of who they are is there all the time. You don’t have to wear make up and a cute dress to be girlie. Looking after your skin, hands and feet and allowing yourself to show some feminine traits can be done on a daily basis. If you can reach the stage where you have a date to venture out en femme and can plan it every couple of months or so then that gives you something to look forward too and eases the intense urge of having to do it now. I think my hardest and most unbalanced periods have been when nobody knew what I did and it was confined to being home alone. It was like I was a prisoner and as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs shows we all need the basics of things like love and social interaction to make us feel accepted and integrated into society.  Be true to yourself, be brave stay strong and most of all be proud of who you are. Remember most people are more worried about their own problems than what you do anyway.

Do I understand why I do it? No. Do I try and explain it? No. But I do know it is part of me and I love it – I have one life and I shall enjoy it to the max and if I can help anyone who is genuine and needs help getting to terms with their cross dressing then I will.

Our intention when we first started The Fourth Space was to provide a great service and genuinely help people and that still remains our intention today irrespective of whether people book with us or not. My own experience of many dressing services has enabled us to offer something that is unique and I hope we inspire people with all that we do.

Feel free to drop me a line to tamara@thefourthspace.com